I like to write…

In the nook of this mountain 05/03/24

“It was from the edge of a black hole, when I was confronted with darkness deeper than I’d ever known, that I felt God grab me by the collar and pull me back. I felt gravity shift and my heart change. And after it all, I can’t look him in the eye. I can’t mention his name without a lump in my throat. The feeling overwhelms me. The thought of being worthy of a love this deep makes me cry. Those who are supposed to see beauty in you will see it even in a dark room, and those who are destined to look away from you, will, even if you are adorned. This love is so inexplicable. To be shy with the divine, to see the subtle and look away. I wish I could find a way to package this realisation and hand it with both hands to everyone else who’s ever lost themselves. I wish I could find the words to give them the peace that God gave me. Real faith is not coded into hymns and idols, in sermons or stones. It’s a living thing that is placed in your centre. It eats you up and makes you laugh. How meaningless was life before this. I pray this never ends.” Diary entry 05/02/24 ~ Visual : Greg Sellers, Sunset Lilly

Watching time 28/11/23

“Although I often write drearily about lifes burdens and have long conversations about misery, sometimes when I think about living on, my eyes well up with joy. When I feel grass under my feet and the sun on my skin, I could almost burst with the excitement I feel about living on. To see colours and hear music, to share secrets and laughter. To eat fruits - mangos and berries and grapes. To think about God and beauty, to grapple with infinity and taxes in the same hour. How joyous and absurd is it just to live? Life will continue to be beautiful with or without you, so pull yourself out this greyness you’ve taken refuge in and look around. Settle the grudge you have with being alive. Because even when you’ve lost everything you think there is to lose and when the people you love break your heart over and over again, the time you spend alone is still time you spend with the earth. Is still time spent with God. Is still time spent with every atom that choses life just like you do. To live joyfully, is worship. Take every moment as an honoured guest, hold its hand and let it reveal to you all there is to see.” Diary Entry 05/09/23 ~ Visual: Dance in the Desert, Rajasthan by Dipesh Shah

Time just keeps on moving (Diary Entry) 02/07/23

“I forget who I am like you’d forget the shopping list at home. Like you forget to tie your shoelaces. I forget my coordinates and I forget where I left my keys. I leave my purpose on the table and find it lodged between the sofa the next season during a spring clean. I forget that I can laugh - and when I remember, it makes me hysterical. This existence is magical and torturous. Sometimes I can see glitter rising from between the ashes. I wish I would never forget why I’m here. I wish I would see your light always. I wish to always be moved by your love.” Diary Entry 12/07/23

The People we Meet in the Process of Becoming 12/08/23 (diary entry)

“I’ve been feeling so strange lately. I genuinely feel like I’m in a dream like state. I avoid thinking about it because it makes me restless. I feel a tangible distance between myself and this world. I cannot understand people. I will never understand them. I have stopped trying to understand. My instincts are heightened. I feel close to somewhere other, déjà vu and familiar feelings leave my head spinning most days. I feel a faint tingling in my fingers that I can’t seem to shake off. I can’t fight the feeling that I am supposed to be somewhere else, like I’ve made a wrong turn and that I’m going to be back on the path I’m meant for soon. I wake up and the feeling of being in a strange place overwhelms me. My body is bracing for fall. I’m waiting for something to happen. I can’t explain it. But until it happens I’m trying not to think about it.” Diary entry 10/05/23

As I walk 20/06/23

“Who knows if heaven is in our destiny, but right here, right now, perhaps the holding of hands and the battling of rams, the sound of children laughing, and the sun seeped green of the leaves is enough for me to believe in something - is enough for me to live on. Who is there to convince anymore? Who is there left to impress? If when I am alone, I am alone with the beloved? If He sees my face like no other, and listens to the whispers of my heart that no mortal perceives? Since I felt His embrace, I have nothing left to be ashamed of and no pride left to kill. When I listen to the earth, I can hear the laughter of every atom in existence. In meditation, I find I am the mediator between all good and evil. I am the creation of the creator. A spec in the face of the spectacle. Nothing and everything all at once.” Diary entry 02/07/23 ~ Visual: photosofspace.tumblr.com